How to make your mom's hair turn grey. By Oliver

First, sleep all night seven nights in a row.

Next, get up on the eighth morning and look super cute. Smile for your mom, but not at the camera. Commense screaming about 11 am. Alternate screaming with 10 minute cat naps. Only allow yourself to stop screaming for two second periods when your mom moves you to a new position. However, let no position stop your screaming for any period of time sufficient enpugh for your mom to think about anything else. Cry like you are in serious pain so she'll give you Tylenol and flail your arms and legs like you have gas so she'll try the gas drops. Let none of this deter you from your mission of crying for four hours straight.

When she's finally desparate enough to try anything, sit for a little while, five-ten minutes tops, in your carseat on top of the washing machine, only after your mom leaves you screaming in another room while she runs to gather a quick load to run.

Scream some more. Then let your mom rock you and try to get you to take your binky. Cry and poop and pass gas, repeat two or three times, then fall asleep. Immediately wake up when your mom tries to put you in bed. Scream while she changes your diaper. Cry some more so that your big sister who is supposed to be napping starts calling for your mom from her room. Fall asleep in your swing where you mom puts you down to get your big sister some apple juice.

Wake up again after another brief nap, but fall asleep again within ten minutes, so your mom doesn't start pulling her hair out. Remember also to be super cute again when your dad comes home. Smile and coo at him, make him wonder why the house is such a mess and your mom got nothing done on her day off.

Note to big siblings: While all of this is going on, interrupt your mom often to ask for snacks, drinks, toys that are in some other part of the house, etc. Be sure to get into a lot of trouble, jumping on furniture and poking your younger sibling during the brief periods when he or she is not screaming. Also, be sure to remove your socks constantly and what ever you do, do not take a nap.